On the same level as lung or liver

My heart is weird as fuck
because it loves to get beaten up
by guys that are stronger than me
more sophisticated,
more educated
but they just miss the right words to express themselves
So all what they have is despite.
The majority has more muscles and less brain.
But pretend to read to say they have read,
but at the same time
do not understand a single word.
I am the weird one, not even an outlier.
Just one not in line with the Zeitgeist.
Most male specimen spend the same amount in the gym
to strengthen their mortal bodies and their fragile status
to fight against abstract concepts like god and time.
But I envy them for their decision to be so full of themselves
even if I never wanted to be them.

My heart is directionless as hell
because I lose myself in chambers
where nothing is waiting for me
but I can hide in there
– nowhere for days or weeks –
nobody ever misses me or at least tells me so
and I think thats great.
Because I don`t miss anyone, but one,
but that is a different story which I save for father death
or for a story I haven’t written yet.
I form myself arround that.
Me – a senseless piece of clay
When I form myself out of the old, I form new
I lose a tiny hunk to my fingers every day
– still necessary –
and too many years have passed by
To not get noticed by people who intoxicat my life.
I can’t endure the questions
Because I don`t have any answer to give.

My heart is more lost than ever
because whatever I do
I do not feel different
Just more tired.
and the thought is not far
that everything is just a distraction
and there is nothing for my particular kind of heart.
It is just an organ
Let’s stop the pretending
my head is broken, not my heart.
My heart only pumps my bodies blood
I am trapped in this skull
all alone with myself.
How long does it take till someone drills it open
and let’s me out?
I feel like I am getting closer.
It was always there in the back of my mind.
I always considered carefully.
If I should decide that there is nothing waiting for me
in this shared room
I promise
I will not hesitate and try to escape.
Right now though
Like a coward I knock;
Let’s wait,
let’s see.
I take my heart in my hand
and throw it away.
Let my head hold reign.
Turn arround,
go away,
Maybe next time I am braver.

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