Cistern Realization

It is the first time
I feel like I don`t have anything to say
I feel like shit
There is nothing to talk about
Nothing cry about
Nothing to feel about.
There is nothing left for myself.
But a million ways to make me feel numb.
I tried a thousand.
Slept in bathroom stales
With my feet pressed against the door
So nobody would see me puking my sadness over my sweater out.
I don`t know
What I felt ashamed for.
All I knew is that knocking from the staff always woke me up
And I always wished it didn`t.
I cleaned my beard over the sink
Smiled at me to practice
So they wouldn`t call for help.
Wasted effort for my crooked face
The waitress
never looked me in the eyes.
In her dreams
she already laid in her bed.
That’s where I learned
What is probably for most of us given:
You can only save yourself
And that`s the only one you can be worth saving for