Never send, for the better

I have mega autism when it comes to women.
With beautiful ones, of course, it’s exponentially worse.
Just so the drool doesn’t run down my chin
I have to keep my mouth shut.
And I wrote you this,
because I wanted to see you and because you should see me differently.
Of course, it would have been an insane ego boost for me.
if it had worked,
Look at you, woman,
I still think you’re multi-layered on top,
Brilliant, if you can comprehend
what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.
Well, I’m just saying disgusting things about you.
so I don’t fall completely into praising you.
somehow I want to be able to explain it to myself.
this insecurity I have with you and wanting to set fire to,
so badly
over and over again.
I wonder what I was trying to prove with it.
You see me now in a worse light than ever before.
I feel lost
in the very act of making me feel vulnerable to you.
This shaky uncertainty even though people say I’m unpredictable,
but they have never seen
what I understood,
what happens
when you’re stirred up.
I’d write a letter,
but this belongs back to the 17th century,
so I use SMS, which was used before 2007.
If I’m blocked, I hope somehow,
that the message gets through.
Someday.
At least I can’t erase them.
Mega autism when it comes to women,
but hey,
at least I can still feel my heart beating,
when I in front of you,
the woman,
stand.

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