Coming to terms with the voice

Imagine
you could
turn off
the rationalizing voice in your head.
The one
that accompanies
you
everywhere:
the one that
lets you plan
reflect,
and learn
when you dare to remember
or write down her
sound,
when you have her
– like me –
in your ear all the time.
Imagine
you could
take reign of the
additional
5% of feeling mind
you can’t consciously control.
The fog of inseparable whirring;
that makes
you act,
dream, feel
and yearn
for satisfaction;
that frightens you away,
shakes the core  
drives terror
into the joints of your bones,
freezes you in place
or accompanies you
dissatisfied throughout the day,
And after all
these years of meditation,
I still can’t enter
this No-Mans-Land.
Even to claim
that I somehow could
would not only
be foolish,
but also self-righteous
to such an extent
that I personally hope
that I will never
be able
to achieve it
Nevertheless,
if your future
is carved in stone,
then it is only other people
who decorate
the runes
of your grave.
Disillusioned,
maybe even surface
happy
you stop reacting
and just live
in this limbo
between plan and time,
that passes
while you wait
for the next
stumbling block
to surmount.
What has 5%
got to do with it?
Well,
if it weren’t
for 5%,
you’d be the most
wanted woman
in the world
and I certainly
would be the world’s ruler.
The influence
of the 5%,
above which
one should be
sublime,
is without exception
always there
and connects to the brain
in consciousness
through the stomach. 
I think to push 5%
part of yourself away,
to disassociate
ourselves from
our needs
in the moment
of necessity
and pushing
what we once wanted aside
in need of easy
explanations
and band-aid fixes,
is not only ill-advised
in the long term
but simply failing at,
what we
basically call living.
So I am
failing at living.
Calm,
collected,
never to be shaken by
and laughing
in the face of the unknown
or naughty,
dirty,
malicious
and/or death.
And while it
sounds for some
like a place of peace
there is no effort
not born dead.
I’ve wished
whole lives away
and all
I learned was,
that life is wasted on the living.