Darling, it was all just in your head

Now a ghost,
a legend,
like a myth.
She doesn’t call.
I can’t call her.
I got blocked.
She could not have existed at all
What is left of her
is what I wrote to her,
words by her and for her and here to be read.
I am glad she didn’t and she doesn’t.
So I look into a bright future
gloowing on the horizon.
The dawn of a new age
but I can’t help
but to look back
which means
she is going to be cursed
to my hell for all eternity
and words will taint her image.
All I wanted to know was
if she still
– if not for the whole way –
followed me.
Nah,
she spits on the memory
and I get why.
If I look back I tend to see
a bad person
though it is only in retroactive thinking.
Hindsight 20/20 I guess
if you want to see your own insanity.
And in the moment
I always had my reasoning.
In this case, I saw us;
believed in
growing old together after
that time we told us about
the shipwrecks and the mermaids and the sea rabbits
poisoning what we were thinking and
as a consequence
I pulled up
from the bottom
my anchor keeping me in reality
to sail after an old tail. I died on the high sea starving.
There, I believed in ghosts and conspiracy.
A higher power put you into my path
to torture me with the fact
that there might be hope
left for me.
That’s why I have to leave.
But before I go
I have to ask.
Who do you think about
when you are alone?
Right now
all I think about
is asking you, me the exiled nomad
nothing new
to be kept on distance and to be forced
to meanwhile talk to ghosts in my head.
I promise to ask you later,
when it doesn’t matter anymore.